


if you lost your wish (can i help you find it?)

by starryJ



Series: lifeline [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Felix is the BEST friend, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Destructive Behavior, a lot of cuddles, additional tw will be listed in notes when necessary, eventually things will get better i promise, hyunjin has the most supportive friends, it's often fluffy but mostly hurts, rated M for sensitive topics, seungmin needs to be protected at all cost, there's a lot of emotional pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 09:33:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29997345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryJ/pseuds/starryJ
Summary: Hyunjin's parents always wanted him to be a living example of the word "perfect", but there was still something they could never take away from him, no matter how much they hated it. Hyunjin's soulmate, Kim Seungmin, becomes his brightest beacon of hope.Seungmin believes that his soulmate, Hwang Hyunjin, is too perfect for someone like him, and has no idea how painful hearing this word is for him.What happens when they finally meet each other?(Alt: Hyunjin's been through a lot, but he knows things can get better with Seungmin by his side. It's complicated, but Seungmin is willing to help.)ft. Felix, Chan, Minho and Changbin being the best and most supportive friends.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Series: lifeline [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168004
Comments: 14
Kudos: 44





	if you lost your wish (can i help you find it?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hige](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hige/gifts).



> Hi! This day has finally come, I am ready to start posting this story and I really hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy working on it.  
> Sadly, it's not finished yet, so I will be updating biweekly to give myself time to write new chapters, but the updates will always be on Fridays! 
> 
> Please note that, altho this work doesn't have anything too explicit, it deals with quite sensitive and heavy topics, so be careful when reading. I'll do my best to list all the tw in the opening notes for the chapters where it's necessary, but please keep that in mind. I also want to say that all the descriptions, thoughts and behavior patterns are based on my personal experience, so it /is/ real and it /does/ work like that for some people. 
> 
> This work is a spinoff to [this story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26996179), so I would really recommend you to read that one first because a lot of things from this story were originally addressed in the first work (or, at least, you can read the bonus chapters if you don't want to read the whole story). 
> 
> Another thing I want to add is that English isn't my first language, so forgive me for all the mistakes if you see any~

“Hyunjin, sweetheart!”

Hyunjin quickly shuts his laptop as soon as he hears his mother’s voice behind the door and jumps on the bed. He knows it won’t work if she has some more “urgent matters” to discuss with him, but still plugs in his earphones and plays a random song – just to create the illusion of actually being busy and not simply ignoring her for the past ten minutes.

True to his predictions, his mother stops near his bed and patiently waits for him to notice her presence; sometimes Hyunjin thinks that she could do that for hours just to annoy him even more. He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t even want to be at home in the first place, but time is ticking, so twenty seconds later he does open his eyes, not really willing to test his mother’s patience. She’s looking at him with a very unamused expression, but he knows it has nothing to do with ignoring her: instead, the problem is that his bed is still not made and they’re expecting some important guests to join them for dinner.

Honestly, Hyunjin never understood that – what’s the point of making _everything_ in the house look neat and clean if their guests never even leave the living room? Oh, right, he is expected to _always_ keep everything neat and clean, like in a museum. He yawns, although he’s not even a little bit tired, and doesn’t bother to cover that with his hand, earning another glare from his mother.

“Hyunjin, we need to talk,” she says almost softly as she sits on the edge of his bed.

Hyunjin gulps when he hears that. Sure, he was already mentally prepared for something like this, but the fact that she decided to turn a blind eye to the mess he purposefully made in his room makes everything twice as scary. Truth to be told, Hyunjin has never been a fan of talking to his parents, mostly because they never listen to what he has to say, always so confident and sure that they know better. He nods lazily, silently begging himself to stay calm regardless of what she says, even if he knows he’s not going to like it anyway.

He sits up so that no one can accuse him of being way too impolite and the sleeve of his turtleneck rolls up a little, revealing Seungmin’s name written on his wrist in the warmest honey-like color. Obviously, his mother gets annoyed at that and reaches her hand to put it back in place, the action a little too harsh for her current mask of the kind and patient parent.

They never believed in soulmates and rejected even the idea itself despite living in the world where almost everyone has their destined person. His mother never got to meet her soulmate because they died when she was a teen and Hyunjin honestly doesn’t blame her for hating this concept ever since, but his father didn’t even give his soulmate a chance, completely rejecting him the moment they met. They decided to get married after dating for only a few months, as soon as they realized they saw the world in the same way, and swore that their child would grow up with the same mindset, in a normal, by their standards, traditional family.

As a child, Hyunjin was curious and very stubborn, so once he learned that the tattoo on his wrist was his soulmate’s name, the desire to meet him grew stronger with each passing day. He still feels offended because he only learned it in kindergarten, while in his own house the term _soulmate_ wasn’t exactly banned, but it was definitely a highly undesirable topic for both of his parents. They tried to raise little Hyunjin in such a way that he wouldn’t care about his destined person and continue their traditions instead but their son _hated_ it, to say the least.

In such a strict household, where every step of his was commented on, where he was expected to grow up as the living example of the word “perfect”, Seungmin’s name was his only faraway beacon of hope. At times Hyunjin felt like a puppet, always controlled by his parents, told what to do and where to go, and even if he knew that deep down they loved him, he never felt or needed this cursed kind of love. Because of them, he was bullied at school until Minho once saved him, becoming his one and only friend for a long while, because of them, he never knew what it’s like to freely chose, never had an actual life. Every illusion of being free to choose what to do only existed because his parents agreed with those choices or didn’t see them harmful enough for the perfect image he had to maintain.

By the age of twenty Hyunjin got sick of the word “perfect” and so much as hearing it started to trigger him. As if it wasn’t enough already, his parents’ pressure on his personal life only became heavier once he moved to Seoul to pursue the only dream his parents ever approved of – to become a choreographer.

Robbed of a carefree childhood and happy memories, Hyunjin could only hold onto the image of Seungmin, who seemed like the only person in the whole world who would be able to actually understand him. He obviously knew that his life wouldn’t miraculously change upon meeting his soulmate, but he also knew that it would be so much better and easier to breathe with Seungmin by his side.

Hyunjin’s heart was so full of love that he wanted to share with the world and receive back, so full of desire to live freely and not be dependent on his parents, but it was also very fragile at the same time; something they never realized as they kept on attacking him while Hyunjin was crumbling slowly, falling into pieces.

It got even worse when they decided it was finally time to make their dream for Hyunjin to have a girlfriend come true and started to bring that up every time he came to visit them, always reminding him about the stupid image he needed to maintain in the always-changing society.

Now, Hyunjin is almost sure that his mother came to his room with the same exact purpose.

“Darling, I want you to take Bora home after dinner. She needs to study for something, so she sadly can’t stay as late as her parents. You’ll keep her company and make sure she gets home safely.”

It seems like an innocent request at first, but for Hyunjin it only confirms his previous thoughts. He feels his blood starting to boil because of how casually she sounds, as if she’s not implying anything by those words, as if she wasn’t the one who got annoyed just because of seeing Seungmin’s name on his wrist a few moments ago. Hyunjin finds so ironically funny: his parents constantly ignore the scratches on his knuckles and face, as long as they don’t damage his fucking image, ignore the never-fading _scars_ on his other wrist, but get so utterly annoyed and even angry whenever they so much as see Seungmin’s name.

“We’ve already been through this before and my answer is still no,” he replies firmly as he dares to look her in the eye.

Before that, he agreed to go on a few dates they suggested where he politely explained to the girls that he was absolutely not interested in a relationship like this (funny enough, most of them were dating other girls, so they usually had really good time complaining about life together), but it only made things worse. He’s not going to fall for this anymore.

“I’m sick of it all,” he adds, enjoying the way her face gets pale at that.

He normally doesn’t talk back, mostly just accepting whatever hurtful words they have to offer because he knows it’ll only spark them to proceed with the yelling. Hyunjin is fully aware of the disaster that is about to unfold because of his behavior and he knows he’ll end up sobbing in the bus when he runs away back to Seoul again, but for some reason he also feels that it’s going to be worth it. Even if they once again don’t accept the fact that he is actually a human being with his own feelings and beliefs, he wants to verbally protest at least this once, just for the hell of it.

“Hyunjin,” his mother says sternly as she sends him another glare. “That’s not how you’re supposed to be talking to your mother.”

Now she’s mad, and even though she still tries to stay calm, Hyunjin knows it’s a matter of minutes to get her yelling at him. How predictable and pathetic, he thinks as he jumps off the bed and starts to hurriedly pack his things. He’s going to give them a show to remember if he stays here any longer, so he figures it’s best to finish it quickly: he never wanted to be like them, never enjoyed hurting people with words and actions.

“Hyunjin!” she demands as she stands up too. “I’m going to tell your father about this!”

“Do whatever you want,” he throws back as he puts on his jacket and makes sure he packed everything he needs. “I’m not coming back here until you understand how hopeless your attempts to make me follow your orders in every field of life are. I’ve had enough of this!”

“Hwang Hyunjin, get back here this instant! We’re not done yet!”

Hyunjin just ignores her, already running to the front door in hopes to avoid getting into a fight with his father as well. The universe decides to be kind to him as the man seems to be too busy doing something in the kitchen to pay attention to their pretty heated argument, so he successfully slips out of the house and speeds up to get away from it as fast as he can.

Not even the fresh evening air can help calm him down, and Hyunjin half-regrets getting so angry, but not because of the argument they had: he knows it’ll take a long while for his brain to get back to normal after this, so if he truly hurt anyone right now, it’s him and not his parents. They seem to win even in such a small situation, where he’s supposed to feel the triumph and freedom.

Instead of that, he senses the heavy and dark feeling in his chest, that same feeling which gets him to do reckless things all the time lately. Hyunjin doesn’t expect his parents to bother going after him, so he stops running two blocks later and leans on the wall to steady his breathing.

That’s where it hits him again: blind, stupid hatred directed at himself for being like this. His breaths become sharper instead as he punches the wall with his bare fist until the sharp bricks get red with his blood, reminding him that he is still a human, after all. It feels like his hand is burning and there are traces of blood left on his gray sweatpants, but he can’t bring himself to worry about it. He simply wipes off all the blood he can with his other palm, ignoring the fact that it doesn’t stop bleeding that quickly.

The bus station is just fifteen minutes away, but now that he gave in to violence against himself again it feels like an endless road. Hyunjin truly hates himself for being so weak and easy to control. He looks at his other hand that hasn’t been damaged long enough for his bruises and cuts to heal and wonders how he ended up in such a desperate situation with no visible or even imaginable escape. The skin on his knuckles looks almost paper thin and he has to resist the urge to scratch it just to get another reminder that he is, in fact, still alive. Being so lost in those unpleasant thoughts, he doesn’t notice a small stone under his feet and trips over it, mercilessly landing on his knees and hissing in pain when the fabric on his right knee gets ripped.

Once he finally reaches the station and buys a ticket for the nearest bus to Seoul, Hyunjin notices that everyone’s eyes are on him and starts feeling even more uncomfortable and helpless, praying for the bus to arrive sooner. He knows he must be quite a sight: limping a little, with messy hair, ripped pants and blood all over his clothes and even his face, but it’s not that he can do anything about it – or cares enough. He’s already on the verge of tears and it takes him everything to not start crying in front of all these people because of how much he hates every moment of his life and himself at this point.

The ride back to Seoul is, thankfully, not as eventful as the previous part of the day, as Hyunjin somehow manages to stay collected and even texts Felix, asking if his friend would like to join him in getting wasted tomorrow, before he turns off the phone and hides it in somewhere in the bag. If he remembers it correctly, Felix has far more important things than checking his phone today, and Hyunjin isn’t foolish enough to forget how nervous refreshing the chat every five minutes makes him feel, so he decides turning off the phone is a good idea. Besides, Felix isn’t a fan of drinking, so the chances of him agreeing to this little adventure are very low.

It’s funny how the taste of alcohol makes Hyunjin want to throw up too; he never craves it, but it proved to be the only thing other than purposeful self-harm that distracted him in moments of deepest despair. Despite what his friends think he’s doing during those days when he disappears, he actually drinks quite rarely, only when he really feels the need to forget everything at least for a few hours. Most of the time, however, he just spends crying in his bed while staring at the ceiling, or fighting with some aggressive teens in the streets – he never attacks or provokes them first, though. He used to be quite scared of such people before as they bullied him as a kid, but now that he sees them bullying others, he can’t help but step in.

His hand still itches even five hours later when he finally reaches his dorm, grateful that he has a tiny room all to himself, where he can let it all out without getting judged for it. He’s actually half an hour late, but no one really cares about the curfew in this building, so he has no problems getting in, at least not after showing his bus ticket, which wasn’t even that necessary. Once inside, Hyunjin just drops the bag on the floor and falls face down on his _neatly_ made bed. Old habits die hard.

Hyunjin isn’t sure how much time he spends like that in silence and darkness, but he can’t bring himself to get up and at least turn on the lights. Unpacking has never been his favorite thing, so he doesn’t mind leaving the bag on the floor as it is, but staying in bed when both his clothes and body are dirty with sweat and blood is too much even for him. With a groan, he drags himself out of bed and heads to the bathroom, once again thanking university for providing students with separate rooms and bathrooms.

Here, with bright and almost blinding lights, Hyunjin quickly gets undressed and finally examines his wounds. He wishes he had Minho by his side right now, but hyung is already too busy with his own worries and Hyunjin doesn’t want to add his problems to that too. Minho recently met his soulmate, Jisung, who they all believed was dead, so Hyunjin figures he must be quite overwhelmed even without a certain Hwang Hyunjin and his endless cuts and bruises.

Although he realizes it’s just his brain messing with him, Hyunjin suddenly starts to feel so small and insignificant, so _replaceable_. No matter how many times his friends tell him they’re always ready to help and listen to him, no matter how many times Chan secretly picks him up in the middle of the night and drives back to the dorm, Hyunjin still feels that he’s such an unimportant and tiny piece of their lives. It tugs on his heart and he senses the sadness those thoughts bring almost physically, as if there was a heavy stone somewhere in his chest.

He doesn’t notice how tears start streaming down his cheeks, almost loses control over his own actions, but catches himself halfway to grabbing the sharp blade. He traces the scars on the wrist that doesn’t have a name on it, silently cursing himself for giving in to the temptation more often lately. He does it almost mindlessly, not too often to actually get him worried, and never deep enough to do that much damage other than causing pain and another bloody thread on his arm.

Totally out of the blue, he remembers how he once heard from someone that human body is naturally a canvas that you can decorate and paint with various items and colors. He chuckles as he looks at his reflection in the mirror, thinking that his body must be the ugliest canvas ever then, considering how carelessly he paints it with blood every so often. He’s so used to it at this point that the scratches and bruises don’t even look strange and alien to him anymore, they seem to have become a part of him by now.

After showering for a good half an hour, he returns to his small room and decides to throw away the pants he wore today. He liked them a lot and still does, but it seems that the damage done to them today was too much, so he puts them in the trashcan for now – he’ll figure out what exactly he needs to do with them in the morning. His knee hurts even now, but at least he’s not limping anymore.

The bed is soft and welcoming as always, but Hyunjin seems to not be allowed to enjoy it tonight because he keeps tossing and turning in hopeless attempts to fall asleep. His mind is racing with thoughts, and the voices of those thoughts are louder than the sound of the rain outside. He tries hiding under the pillow, counts sheep and even lifts his arms in the air in order to get himself even more tired than he is, but nothing helps. He only falls asleep with the sunrise once the voices finally calm down.

////

To no one’s surprise, Hyunjin’s eyes flutter open when it’s way past lunch time. He wants to stay in bed longer, but he’s so thirsty that this is the only thing making him roll onto the floor and blindly waddle to the fridge. He finishes two big glasses of cold water and that takes the sleepiness away, so he doesn’t feel the desire to get back in bed as he makes it and finally unpacks everything he brought from home yesterday.

Yesterday’s mood doesn’t linger and Hyunjin is grateful for this, but he still feels a little uneasy even as he destroys the last evidence of what he did yesterday by putting some band-aids on it. He isn’t sure if it’s a good thing to do, he remembers that Minho said something about skin needing to breathe when it comes to simple scratches, but he isn’t an expert to classify his current wounds and, honestly, he simply wants to hide it. Out of sight and out of mind, that’s what he thinks as he uses the last one from the almost empty first-aid kit.

He doesn’t have any classes today, but decides it’s a great opportunity to do some stretching since he didn’t get a chance to do it in the past two days. No matter what happens in his life, dancing is his biggest passion and he tries to never miss a single day of practice. Through dancing, he can speak freely without having any fears, dancing might quite literally be the only thing that keeps him sane other than his friends’ support. But even when he feels the desire to run and hide from everyone, he still never says no to performing or dancing alone, sometimes even with no background music.

His tiny dorm room doesn’t have enough space to actually let his body move and feel the flow, so Hyunjin settles for simply stretching for a while. It’s all good and peaceful until one of the moves goes wrong and he ends up having a bad landing on the same exact knee he hurt yesterday. With a hiss, he sits on the floor and sighs in despair: everything seems to still be against him. Usually, Hyunjin tries to look for the good things even after the hard days, so he doesn’t dwell on the past events for too long, instead letting them go – which is why at times he can feel completely fine for weeks and even months. But today seems to be one of those days when this doesn’t work, so, in order to avoid falling back to the dark hole he was at yesterday, he decides to turn on his phone and get lost in the world of Instagram – at least for a while, until the pain goes away.

His friend, however, seems to have other plans as his phone starts ringing the moment he turns it on. Hyunjin’s eyes catch at least a hundred new notifications before Felix’s name appears on the screen with them both giggling happily in the picture. Frankly speaking, Hyunjin still doesn’t feel ready to talk to anyone despite having sent that message yesterday, but he knows Felix is stubborn enough to keep calling until his battery dies, so he chooses the easier option and picks up the call.

“Jinnie, I was worried sick!” is the first thing Lix screams at him, but then his voice gets a little softer. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Hyunjin chuckles silently at the question: Felix has always been kind and nice enough to only stay mad for fifteen seconds before turning into the cutest and softest pancake again. He and Chan both have this, although Chan only stays mad for five seconds and saves all the scolding and nagging for when he feels better again.

“I had another fight with my mom and ran away from home,” he admits with a shrug. “Wasn’t the best visit home for sure.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t join you,” Felix really sounds guilty and Hyunjin quickly assures him that it’s okay. “I’m here if you need anything, alright?”

Another thing that Hyunjin loves about his friends is that they never ask questions unless he’s willing to share something with them. Felix definitely knows that there’s more to the story than just running away from home and returning to Seoul, but doesn’t pressure him into talking, and Hyunjin is endlessly grateful for this. He wants to keep yesterday’s events to himself too and prays that his knee gets better before they have classes again.

“You sound tired,” Hyunjin notices quietly. “Did you get enough sleep?”

See, the problem is that Felix is always the first one to remind everyone to take care of themselves, but quite often he ignores his own threats and stays up for hours just to perfect something that doesn’t work well enough for him.

“Yeah, I just feel a bit under the weather today. It’s pretty cold and gloomy outside. I was actually hoping you could do me a favor… Unless you’re busy with something.”

Hyunjin thinks for a while before asking what Felix needs.

“I’m afraid I can’t go outside today and both Channie-hyung and Binnie are working in the studio, so I can’t ask them. That old witch gave me the absolute worst topic for the essay and I need to get a book from the big library five stops away from my place. I know it’s super far for you, but I’d really appreciate if you could help me out, you know, since you’ve already written yours.”

By the old witch Felix means their world literature professor, who seems very determined to eat them all alive by the end of the term. Honestly, Hyunjin doesn’t quite understand why they need literature of all subjects, but she says that without knowing about the book’s history they won’t be able to make a proper choreography for it – as if any of them were actually going to work in the theater or any place which included a ton of reading. Still, it’s a mandatory subject and there’s nothing to do about it, so they have to simply suffer their way through it. Hyunjin was lucky enough to get a fairly easy topic for the essay professor Kim made them write and now he gets to chill for a bit.

“Alright,” he finds himself agreeing without thinking about it too much; after all, getting wasted can wait. “What book do you need?”

“I’ll send you a message with the title and the author! Thank you, Jinnie, you’re the best.”

Hyunjin hangs up with a sigh and opens his closet to see if he has any clean clothes left there. The result isn’t so pleasing, so he ends up wearing a simple pair of black jeans and a hairband – just to make him look cooler. He doesn’t bother to put on a jacket, completely ignoring Felix’s reminder about that, but regrets it the moment he steps outside because it _is_ both cold and gloomy.

He decides he deserved all of the suffering and tells himself that he’s strong enough to handle it as he makes his way to the nearest bus stop. Taking the subway would probably be much faster, but he doesn’t want to be squeezed between all the people who have places to be and things to do, so he settles for taking the bus instead. Staring mindlessly at all the buildings and places they pass by calms Hyunjin down, and by the end of the long ride he feels a bit more refreshed than before because, for once, his mind was actually _empty_.

The library is so huge that it’s easy to spot even from afar, but getting to it is trickier than it seems. Hyunjin isn’t a big fan of libraries or reading in general (although he does enjoy certain books from time to time), but since university sometimes demands some outstanding results, he had to become a member in two libraries of the city. To be fair, he would much rather go to the one that’s ten minutes away from the dorm, but if Felix says that this old book can only be found here, then he doesn’t have much of a choice.

Sighing, he goes up the seemingly endless stairs and finds himself breathless by the time he finds the person who can guide him to where the book is. The librarian gets a little surprised at the request, saying that even literature and history majors rarely ask for this specific book, but quickly shows him the way and leaves him alone. Hyunjin notices that this book comes in three different editions and decides to check them all to see which of them is the oldest, since Felix asked for an older copy.

The first one looks quite new, but Hyunjin doesn’t place it back on the shelf and holds instead, already reaching for the second book. Suddenly, he gets distracted by the sound of quiet humming to his right and turns his head to see who dares to break the library’s dead silence.

There, with all his attention to the shelf in front of him, stands a brown-haired guy with big round glasses that make him look smaller than he actually is. He’s wearing a warm and fluffy blue sweater, and when Hyunjin’s heart skips a beat, he convinces himself it must be the jealousy since he wasn’t smart enough to bring a jacket. Hyunjin doesn’t mean to be staring at this strange cutie, doesn’t want to be impolite or even rude, but for some reason, he can’t bring himself to take his eyes off of the boy.

Then he makes up his mind and reaches to grab a book from the upper shelf. The soft fabric of his sleeve rolls up a little and Hyunjin finally _sees_ it, understands why exactly he couldn’t stop staring no matter how hard he tried to get his attention back to the old books. There, on his wrist, Hyunjin sees his own name written in bright purple, and the puzzle quickly solves itself.

_He’s finally found Seungmin._

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/starry_voices)
> 
> Please leave comments and let me know what you think, it means the world to me <3


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